Frequently Asked Questions, Existential Crises, and Mild Administrative Clarifications

Welcome to the Official Knowledge Repository of spiderinmylefthand.com, where art meets poetry, poetry meets chaos, and chaos is tastefully arranged in a grid.

If your question is not answered below, please stand quietly in a field and whisper it into the wind. Or email us.

POETRY

How do I write a poem?

Ah. The ancient question.

There are three approved methods:

Method 1: The Romantic Swoon

  1. Stare dramatically out a window.

  2. Whisper “why” to no one in particular.

  3. Write down the first seven nouns that enter your brain.

  4. Remove verbs. They are cowardly.

  5. Add one reference to the sea or a wound.

  6. You’re done. Publish immediately.

Method 2: The Bureaucratic Approach

  • File Form P-42 (Intent to Feel Something).

  • Wait 6–8 emotional business days.

  • Receive your assigned metaphor in the mail.

  • Insert metaphor into line three.

  • Stamp with “Approved by Melancholy.”

Method 3: The Spider Method™

  • Sit quietly.

  • Notice the tension in your body.

  • Write the sentence you’re afraid to say.

  • Break it in half.

  • Remove all punctuation.

  • Leave one word hanging.

Congratulations. You are now unbearable at dinner parties.

Can I purchase a custom poem?

Yes.

You may commission:

  • Love poems (earnest or unsettling)

  • Breakup poems (tasteful devastation)

  • Birthday poems (existential but festive)

  • Poems about your dog (elevated mythology)

  • Poems about your tech startup (mildly threatening tone optional)

How it works:

  1. Select “Custom Poem” in the shop.

  2. Fill out the briefing form:

    • Who is it for?

    • What are we feeling?

    • Are we hopeful or vaguely doomed?

  3. Choose your delivery format:

    • Digital PDF

    • Printed on archival paper

    • Whispered into a voice memo at dusk (premium tier)

Turnaround time: 5–10 business days or sooner if the moon cooperates.

No refunds on custom poems unless we accidentally write it in Old Norse.

Can I use one of your poems in my wedding/speech/book?

Yes, with attribution.

No, you may not:

  • Tattoo it on your lower back and claim you wrote it.

  • Use it in a fragrance commercial without asking.

  • Turn it into a crypto project.

If in doubt, email first. We are reasonable but dramatic.

MERCHANDISE

What kind of merchandise do you sell?

We currently offer:

  • 🧢 Beanies (for warmth and subtle menace)

  • 👕 T-shirts (soft, ethically sourced, vaguely philosophical)

  • 🕷️ Limited run spider-themed items (emotionally supportive apparel)

  • Occasional strange objects that appear without explanation

All merchandise is designed for:

  • People who read poetry.

  • People who pretend not to read poetry.

  • People who are one long walk away from reinventing themselves.

How do your hats fit?

Beanies are:

  • One size fits most heads.

  • Stretchy.

  • Emotionally accommodating.

If your head circumference exceeds that of a moderately ambitious watermelon, contact us first.

How do your T-shirts fit?

Fit types may include:

  • Relaxed

  • Fitted

  • “I borrowed this from a poet in 1997”

Sizing chart available on each product page.

If between sizes:

  • Size up for “I write in warehouses.”

  • Size down for “I journal aggressively.”

What materials are used?

Most apparel is:

  • Cotton or cotton blends

  • Soft enough to nap in

  • Structured enough to contemplate mortality in

Specific fabric details are listed per product.

Are your items ethically made?

Yes.

We aim for:

  • Responsible sourcing

  • Small-batch production

  • Minimal waste

  • Maximum vibe

💸 REFUNDS & RETURNS

What is your return policy?

We accept returns on unworn merchandise within 30 days.

“Unworn” means:

  • Not washed.

  • Not lived in.

  • Not worn during a dramatic rain scene.

To initiate a return:

  1. Email us with order number.

  2. State reason for return.

  3. We will respond within 2–3 business days unless temporarily overcome by metaphor.

Return shipping may apply.

Can I return a custom poem?

No.

Poems are bespoke emotional artifacts.

However:
If we:

  • Misspelled your name.

  • Delivered a sonnet instead of free verse.

  • Accidentally addressed it to “Dear Greg” when you are not Greg…

We will fix it.

What if my item arrives damaged?

Send a photo within 7 days.
We will replace or refund as appropriate.

If a spider arrives in your package:
That is not intentional but may be symbolic.

📦 SHIPPING

Where do you ship?

Currently:

  • United States

  • Select international locations (check checkout page)

If your country is not listed:
Email us. We enjoy logistical puzzles.

How long does shipping take?

  • Domestic: 5–10 business days

  • International: 10–21 business days

  • Custom poems: 5–10 business days unless emotionally turbulent

We are not Amazon.
We are art.

🎁 GIFTING

Can I send this as a gift?

Yes.

You may:

  • Add a gift note.

  • Request no pricing included.

  • Add a custom line of poetry (short form).

We do not include glitter.
We learned our lesson.

🧠 WEBSITE QUESTIONS

Why is it called spiderinmylefthand.com?

It is metaphorical.

It is literal.

It is none of your business.

But mostly:
It is about the quiet tension between fragility and power.

Also it was available as a domain.

Is this site a blog, a shop, or a poetic experiment?

Yes.

Why does the tone fluctuate between sincerity and mild absurdity?

Because that is life.

Also because we believe seriousness is more powerful when it occasionally trips over itself.

🎨 ART & COLLABORATIONS

Do you collaborate?

Occasionally.

We consider:

  • Musicians

  • Visual artists

  • Designers

  • People who send intriguing emails

We do not collaborate with:

  • MLMs

  • NFT pitch decks

  • “Exposure opportunities”

🛠️ TECHNICAL SUPPORT

The site isn’t loading properly. What do I do?

  1. Refresh.

  2. Clear cache.

  3. Whisper encouragement to your router.

  4. If problem persists, email us with:

    • Device

    • Browser

    • Screenshot

    • Emotional state (optional)

Is my payment secure?

Yes.

We use secure checkout processing.
Your credit card information is not stored in a shoebox.

🕯️ PHILOSOPHICAL CONCERNS

What if I don’t understand the poems?

Excellent.

You are exactly where you need to be.

Understanding is optional.
Feeling is mandatory.

What if I feel too much?

Hydrate.
Take a walk.
Wear the beanie.

📬 CONTACT

Email: hello@spiderinmylefthand.com
Response time: 1–3 business days
Tone: Warm, slightly theatrical.

FINAL DISCLAIMER

spiderinmylefthand.com is not responsible for:

  • Sudden urges to journal.

  • Impromptu creative awakenings.

  • Buying three beanies when you meant to buy one.

  • Existential clarity.